Space Jam has always been an institution unto itself for me.
It’s out-of-this-world big, bigger than basketball, bigger than cartoons; it’s galactic.
Space Jam literally (and I don’t use that word lightly) combined the best of two worlds : the cartoon world, where the Looney Tunes are king, and the sports world, where Michael Jordan was (especially at the time) king. So many great elements: family-friendly comedy, high-profile cameos, and an impossibly fun comeback-infused high-profile sporting event. If this movie wasn’t legendary, why would Yahoo! have make a spoof of an ESPN 30-for-30 documentary detailing the incredible game that was the MonStars versus the Tune Squad.
If you haven’t seen Space Jam yet, please, for the love of Bill Murray, watch it now. There’s a link here where you can stream it online, works great.
I can’t count the amount of times I’ve seen the movie, and I never ever ever ever ever get tired of it (I actually have it playing again on my computer in the background as I write this). I don’t get tired of Lola Bunny, or of Wayne Knight “fixing a divot” in the green, or of those awkward couch interviews where the therapist tries to figure out why the NBA stars can’t play basketball anymore, or (especially) of Michael Jordan harnessing his inner Inspector Gadget to score that game-winning bucket. And you know what, I’m not even sorry if that was a spoiler for you. You should have seen the movie already. I gave you the opportunity to do so earlier anyway. But I digress.
Now, there are many examples of sequels that never should have been made, like Caddyshack 2, The Next Karate Kid or Batman & Robin; a sequel is generally never a good idea (I’m already scared that Anchorman 2 will fall disastrously short of the expectations set by the original). But, let’s not consider this a sequel, more of a remake. We’re trying to take what we had in Space Jam and translate it to today’s NBA.
That may sound challenging, but worry not, that’s what I’m here for.
I’m not the first person to think of this. In this article, Josh Klein tries to do the same thing as I’m about to do, which is to project the 6 NBA players (5 MonStars and one superhuman beast) that would be cast in the remake of this legendary movie. However, Josh Klein fails miserably at projecting his starting 5 MonStars for reasons I’ll explain later. So if anyone ever asks, nobody has ever accurately projected the cast of Space Jam 2. Until now.
The procedure
Just like your high school chemistry lab project, there is a certain procedure to follow. To correctly select the 6 players in this remake, we need to be faithful to the original cast, not only in what kind of players we use (in size and type) but how the teams were constructed. For the Tune Squad, that’s easier: it’s the Looney Tunes plus one near superhuman/generational NBA talent. We’ll get to that soon. The MonStars, though, is a bit more interesting. So let’s start with them.
The MonStars
The MonStars as a starting-5 are far from conventional. If you were an NBA team today and you had these five players as your starting-5, you wouldn’t necessarily win, and that’s the key in making this team. You don’t want the 5 best NBA players for this team, otherwise Michael Jordan and the Tune Squad would not have won. That’s a fact that I just made up.
The MonStars talents are taken from Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing and Shawn Bradley. That’s one point guard (Bogues), two power forwards (Johnson and Barkley) and two centers (Ewing and Bradley). Weird composition to a basketball squad, but I guess that’s what happens when your GM is also the chief moron of Moron Mountain (no, not Jerry Jones, I’m talking about the hell-like alien amusement park in the movie).
That’s where John Klein fails. On his team, he has Russell Westbrook, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Blake Griffin and Anthony Davis. Those players are too good, and they’re not even positionally faithful to the original five. That team probably wins against the Tune Squad too; that can’t happen.
So here’s my team, player-by-player. (Apparently every Monstar has a name, so we’ll learn those too).
Mugsy Bogues, aka Red Guy, aka Nawt : Nate Robinson
One of the easiest to pick. Just like Bogues, Robinson is one of the shortest guys in the NBA, has handles, and is irrationally confident. Robinson is also a great dunker (which makes him an ever better pick than Bogues). Great dunking, as we’ll see moving forward, is something that’ll carry over throughout this squad for the most part. The MonStars basically just dunked the whole game. (Apparently they didn’t learn anything in the “introduction to basketball” video that Bugs showed them).
And just like Robinson, Muggsy was never an all-star; he never averaged more than 10.8 points per game. He was a great passer however, something he has over Robinson, but otherwise they’re very similar. Plus, his name’s Nate, and the alien’s name is Nawt. That’s a sign.
Charles Barkley, aka Orange Guy, aka Pound : Zach Randolph
Remember, the MonStars don’t have a traditional lineup, so the Orange Guy is really the next shortest guy on the team.
For “Pound”, there’s one word that describes what you’re looking for most : intimidation. We’re talking physically and psychologically intimidating. The Orange Guy is the scariest, meanest and chunkiest guy on the team. So that means we need a scary, mean, chunky NBA player. Like Zach Randolph. Don’t take my word for it, just ask Jalen Rose, who ranks Randolph as the number one “dark-alley” player of all time, aka the guy you would never want to meet in a dark alley.
I think Z-Bo is a good fit here. He may big significantly taller than Sir Charles, but they’re both intimidating and both have the same low-post scoring proficiency. I’m pretty sure Barkley would be on Jalen’s 1990’s dark-alley team too.
Larry Johnson, aka Purple Guy, aka Bupkus : Blake Griffin
Tough one here. Larry Johnson was technically a stretch-four/small forward, but his alien counterpart is portrayed much more like Griffin; an athletic power forward that can dunk with the best of them. And if you were playing these 5 guys on the floor, you’d probably have Griffin at small forward because his athleticism would be too much to handle for the smaller wing players. You’re just going to lob it up to him anyway, it’s not like he has to create his own shot.
Griffin may be the player that least resembles his former NBA counterpart on this list, but if I had money on it, I’d bet that he’d be the first guy chosen for a Space Jam recast. His dunking ability and marketability are undeniable. With that in mind, Bupkus is his best fit.
Patrick Ewing, aka Green Guy, aka Bang : Anthony Davis
This is almost a homerun as far as resemblances between Ewing and Davis are concerned. Great young player? Check. Puts up 20+ points per game? Check. Great defender? Check. Just look at both of their Year 2 numbers (so far in Davis’ case).
Ewing : 21.8 pts, 8.8 rb, 1.7 ast, 2.4 blk, 1.4 stl, 50.3 FG%,
Davis : 20.9 pts, 11.0 rb, 1.5 ast, 3.6 blk, 2.1 stl, 48.4 FG%,
Those are very similar stat lines. I like my Green Guy tall and dominating, but he has to be a good dunker too and has to look somewhat like a dinosaur (I guess Chris Bosh would be a good candidate in that case, but Davis is too perfect). Plus, Anthony Davis kind of looks like Bang to begin with.
Notice how the alien actually has a unibrow. It’s green, so it doesn’t show as Davis’, but it’s there.
You know what, I’m starting the campaign now to officially have “Bang” as Anthony Davis’ (other) nickname. Just think of how cool it would be to have Mike Breen make one of his legendary calls on a great play by the Brow. Usually those are reserved for 3-pointers, but I’m sure he could use “bang!” to describe a great Anthony Davis dunk or block too. This has to happen. Now.
Shawn Bradley, aka Blue Guy, aka Blanko – Roy Hibbert
Unfortunately, Yao Ming isn’t in the league anymore to take this spot, so we have to settle with a guy who’s not quite as tall. Obviously the key with the Blue Guy is height. At 7’2″, Roy Hibbert is one of the 5 tallest guys in the NBA, and he’s 4 inches taller than anyone else on my team. Sure, “Blanko” is clearly a passively-aggressive racist name for the token white guy on the team, but I see past that.
Offensively, Hibbert is definitely a step above anything Bradley ever was, but defensively their games are similar. And again, all Hibbert (or Blanko) is doing in the movie is dunk anyway, so it doesn’t matter much. Hibbert meets the height and defensive requirements, so he’s in.
The Tune Squad
Obviously most of the Tune Squad remains intact. We’re not getting rid of Bugs, or Daffy, or Elmer Fudd, or any of the Looneys. That’s just not happening. True story, Looney Tunes don’t grow older; they’re eternally the same. That’s why Bugs Bunny, to this day, is the 9th most portrayed film-personality in the world.
But there’s obviously one piece missing, and that’s the superstar-level NBA talent needed to lead this team to victory. And I don’t care how many people are whispering that Michael Jordan might be looking to come back to the NBA for one game, he’s in no shape to lead the Tune Squad to victory like he did over 15 years ago.
We need a current superstar. A physical and mental freak of nature, a man whose all-around NBA talents cannot be matched, and the only current player who would have a realistic shot of leading this team to victory (and yes, I get that “realistic” might not be the appropriate word given the cartoon-universe setting).
Michael Jordan, aka Generational Talent – LeBron James
Come on, there was never really any doubt here. Sure, you can talk about how good Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant, Derrick Rose, Chris Paul or any other of the NBA’s superstars are, but no one can match LeBron right now. He’s at the peak of his powers, and he can do everything.
Plus, as far as will-to-win/work-ethic/alpha-dog mentality are concerned, he’s the only player in the NBA that can compare to Jordan and handle the load of carrying the team on his (very wide) shoulders. And don’t worry, the real LeBron James woudn’t quit on the Tune Squad like the College Humour version of him did. No, he’d do what he did against the Celtics in Game 6 of the East Finals in 2012 (45 pts-15 rebs-5 asts), or against the Pistons in Game 7 of the East Finals in 2007 (25 consecutive points for his team, 48 overall) : everything his team needed him to do to win.
Plus, LEBRON JAMES WANTS TO DO THIS! HE WANTS BE THE MJ OF SPACE JAM 2, HE SAID SO!
See! LeBron wants Space Jam 2, and Space Jam 2 surely wants LeBron.
There’s nothing more to say.
FANTASTIC FORE 
Now I wanna go watch it!
Well done!